At this company, we are family

Dear Timmy,

As I shared at our last family meeting, current economic conditions have forced family leadership to make many difficult decisions. I myself have reduced my golf outings to every other week, and you, undoubtedly, noticed that your mother’s car is no longer the current model year. Unfortunately, even these deep cuts, painful as they are, have not been enough. After much deliberation, we feel the best course of action is to eliminate the redundancies in our family. Consequently, your family membership has been terminated, effective immediately.

I know this may come as a shock. But, while your mother and I have enjoyed seeing you grow these last six years, the family must remain focused on our strategic initiatives if we are to remain competitive against the Joneses. We have weathered storms in the past; I am confident that we will make it through this one.

To help you through this transition, we are pleased to offer you a severance package with 80% of your allowance for the next three months. We will also extend the option of purchasing the family health insurance for the rest of the calendar year. Enclosed with this letter is a list of adoption agencies to help you in your search for a new family.

I ask that you refrain from discussing your termination with any social contacts made through your membership in the family. You are also reminded not to damage or steal any family property on your way out of the house (this includes, but is not limited to, games, toys, and electronics). Failure to comply may result in your severance being terminated early or withheld entirely.

On a personal note, your mother and I want you to know how wonderful we feel to have been able to give you life.

Regards,

Robert and Sue Smith

P.S. Your (former) sister will be contacting you to schedule an exit interview. Please be open and honest. Your feedback is the best way for us to improve!